Post of Self Defence Instructor
Dear IFRC Sir/Madam/Sister/Brother,
I'm writing with regards to your requirement for the post of Self Defence/Martial Arts instructor.I have following qualifications:
1.Pocket Billiards Champion:
expert in the art of using the 'hands' for 'man's pleasures' ...hence, skilled in the use of hands for non combative, stress relief measures..
2.Highly Developed Agility:
specialist in dodging missile like objects thrown by wife..thus can instruct and prepare any person to avoid objects thrown at them from a by any potential aggressor..or if you rejected (due to Budget cuts ) a five year old promise to build a house costing Rs.10,000.00 to a Fishermen from Muttur , following 210 field visits, 187 field assessments, 89 Consultant visits, 19 visits by Regional Coordinator,11 visits by Sector Lead and then 3 visits by Country Operations Manager ,all traveling on each visit in an entourage of at least 3 Heavy Duty Prado jeeps with CODAN/UHF/VHF/HF communications sets etc.and to be told to fill 2317 sets of forms and attend 4 workshops...
3.World class Foot Workmen:
specialty include avoiding kids squeaky toys on the floor while negotiating towards the bed in the dead darkness,piss drunk...a skill that can be passed to students who can avoid being followed by any potential threat in the darkness..or to avoid Auditors and Funders ,and leave Berefoot cafe without being noticed or use ODELs car park entrance to exit and get into your big IFRC Prado during work hours etc..
4.Expert Negotiator:
skilled in the art of negotiating in the face of an attacker..negotiating with wife over why need to stay late with friends to discuss 'threats to national security' has made me into a master negotiator..a craft that can be useful to your staff members in dealing with potentially hostile public,especially if you're dealing with IDPs in Manik Farm complex where you screwed up the toilets system etc..
5.Round the Clock Bullshitter:
especially in the art of justifying why you returned home piss drunk and get away with it in the light of national security..a science best applied when confronting angry GAs and Govt Ministers over non delivery of promised support and Aid.
6.Best ever Time Manager:
ability to send the Domestic to buy papers just as the girl friend is visiting me at home and then sending the guy again to buy another paper when she is leave after 1-2 hrs.. repeating the same with precision timings to entertain 3 girl friends during day time,while not getting noticed by neighbors etc..personal best was four visits the same day with a slight clash..that was turned in to my benefit!
a very important skill that i can share with your staff so that not only they learn the art of managing time thus not creating a routine, thus discouraging any attacker as no pattern of movements is visible when practicing this art.over time i have developed this skill so that you can use it when doing Field Visits and go in and out of your Hotel avoiding the preying eyes of your Local Partner NGO's as they await for the Bus across the street.
7.Stealth Mobility:
I'm a world class expert in stealth mobility, a craft that i have perfected at work...where i come in late,go for early lunches and then return late and leave work early and then return again in the dead of the night to make private calls overseas,prints for mates,photocopy porno mags and re-print them in color,copy movie DVDs in mass numbers so that you can distribute it among your best mates from my Yoga class etc, during my time with Colombo's best Civil Society Family Business Empires.
i can provide your staff with hands on experience and then focus on developing individual styles to suit each and every persons lifestyle and nature of assignment..etc
As you may realize above are the best self defence skills suited for the humanitarian community where openness ,transparency and neutrality is a best practice.. so unlike Karate or other fighting language with lots of aggressive noise and colored belts, my Martial Arts are the common man's or married mans approach to total protection. its a total Zen like holistic approach to defending one self ,without infringing the Human Rights of any Attacker..
Therefore i request you to consider above and hire me as the best ever martial arts instructors to the humanitarian community.
Thank you and screw you in my own innocent way...
I'm writing with regards to your requirement for the post of Self Defence/Martial Arts instructor.I have following qualifications:
1.Pocket Billiards Champion:
expert in the art of using the 'hands' for 'man's pleasures' ...hence, skilled in the use of hands for non combative, stress relief measures..
2.Highly Developed Agility:
specialist in dodging missile like objects thrown by wife..thus can instruct and prepare any person to avoid objects thrown at them from a by any potential aggressor..or if you rejected (due to Budget cuts ) a five year old promise to build a house costing Rs.10,000.00 to a Fishermen from Muttur , following 210 field visits, 187 field assessments, 89 Consultant visits, 19 visits by Regional Coordinator,11 visits by Sector Lead and then 3 visits by Country Operations Manager ,all traveling on each visit in an entourage of at least 3 Heavy Duty Prado jeeps with CODAN/UHF/VHF/HF communications sets etc.and to be told to fill 2317 sets of forms and attend 4 workshops...
3.World class Foot Workmen:
specialty include avoiding kids squeaky toys on the floor while negotiating towards the bed in the dead darkness,piss drunk...a skill that can be passed to students who can avoid being followed by any potential threat in the darkness..or to avoid Auditors and Funders ,and leave Berefoot cafe without being noticed or use ODELs car park entrance to exit and get into your big IFRC Prado during work hours etc..
4.Expert Negotiator:
skilled in the art of negotiating in the face of an attacker..negotiating with wife over why need to stay late with friends to discuss 'threats to national security' has made me into a master negotiator..a craft that can be useful to your staff members in dealing with potentially hostile public,especially if you're dealing with IDPs in Manik Farm complex where you screwed up the toilets system etc..
5.Round the Clock Bullshitter:
especially in the art of justifying why you returned home piss drunk and get away with it in the light of national security..a science best applied when confronting angry GAs and Govt Ministers over non delivery of promised support and Aid.
6.Best ever Time Manager:
ability to send the Domestic to buy papers just as the girl friend is visiting me at home and then sending the guy again to buy another paper when she is leave after 1-2 hrs.. repeating the same with precision timings to entertain 3 girl friends during day time,while not getting noticed by neighbors etc..personal best was four visits the same day with a slight clash..that was turned in to my benefit!
a very important skill that i can share with your staff so that not only they learn the art of managing time thus not creating a routine, thus discouraging any attacker as no pattern of movements is visible when practicing this art.over time i have developed this skill so that you can use it when doing Field Visits and go in and out of your Hotel avoiding the preying eyes of your Local Partner NGO's as they await for the Bus across the street.
7.Stealth Mobility:
I'm a world class expert in stealth mobility, a craft that i have perfected at work...where i come in late,go for early lunches and then return late and leave work early and then return again in the dead of the night to make private calls overseas,prints for mates,photocopy porno mags and re-print them in color,copy movie DVDs in mass numbers so that you can distribute it among your best mates from my Yoga class etc, during my time with Colombo's best Civil Society Family Business Empires.
i can provide your staff with hands on experience and then focus on developing individual styles to suit each and every persons lifestyle and nature of assignment..etc
As you may realize above are the best self defence skills suited for the humanitarian community where openness ,transparency and neutrality is a best practice.. so unlike Karate or other fighting language with lots of aggressive noise and colored belts, my Martial Arts are the common man's or married mans approach to total protection. its a total Zen like holistic approach to defending one self ,without infringing the Human Rights of any Attacker..
Therefore i request you to consider above and hire me as the best ever martial arts instructors to the humanitarian community.
Thank you and screw you in my own innocent way...
[hopefully i will get the job soon and then I'll stop this Blog again!]
3 comments:
u kidding? or is this for real?
hope you got the job already! ;)
Ever tried doing stand up comedy, mate? Anyway, you are my George Carlin in SL! :D
Post a Comment